Rant for CBC Contest: Sept. 18/12

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There was a contest on local CBC Radio One (Voyage North, I think). If I recall correctly, the prize was a pair of tickets to see Rick Mercer. I forget. I doesn't matter actually. Anyway, we were to submit a RM-style rant on any subject. Some simply pasted theirs to Facebook, but I figured that a lot of a rant's impact comes from its delivery, and so I phoned mine it, delivering it breathlessly as much as possible. I didn't win, but I did get an important issue off my chest. There is no recording of it, so here is the text:

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Here’s something that bugs me. I get an email or whatever that says “We are getting together with the Smith’s” Smith’s with an apostrophe S. What’s that apostrophe doing in there? You’re getting together with the Smith’s what? With their dog? With their cat? With their next-door neighbours? With their enemies?

And which Smith?

Apostrophe S, rather than S apostrophe means one Smith. I see signs on houses which say “The Smith Apostrophe S”. So, maybe that’s supposed to indicate possession “The Smiths’ House”, but they’re telling me that this house belongs to one Smith. That works for me. I live alone. I could have a sign saying “The Pepper apostrophe S”. As far as my house goes, I am THE Pepper. But which Smith do they mean? Oh, Mr. Smith? Well, that’s just sexist. And I’m pretty sick and tired of seeing all those sexist house signs around town!

Listen: it’s one cat, two cats, one dog, two dogs. No apostrophes! One Smith. Two Smiths! No apostrophe. And if you are Mr. Jones, then your family are the Joneses. Add E S. Not the Jones. Your last name isn’t Jone or William or Elli -- unless it is. And don’t imagine that just adding an apostrophe to Jones somehow makes that into Joneses. If an apostrophe makes a sound at all, it’s a schwa, an uh, not a vowel and consonant. It’s virtually nothing.

And yet people are adding it all over the place where it’s not needed! You’re wasting your time typing and my time reading for what? For nothing!

Remember, apostrophes are for contractions and to show possession, not for making plurals – well, except for a very few cases such as characters on a keyboard. But they are so few, they are hardly worth talking about. They are virtually nothing either. So, I don’t want to see any more of those apostrophes wasting my time and yours showing up where they don’t belong. And if they do, well, thanks for nothing.

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